What Voters Are Really Voting For
Video Links: [TikTok] [YouTube]
It's the end of October and early voting has started in many parts of the country, including here in Texas. Voters are casting ballots for a hodgepodge of reasons, many of which are as tangled as a kitten in a ball of yarn. But let's step back for a moment and take a look at what voters are actually voting for. Spoiler alert: it's not for the candidate with the most compelling hair or the best Instagram filter. As an analyst and statistician, there seem to be six different types of voters, and let's be honest, from a Libertarian perspective, most of their reasons for voting are far scarier than most Halloween decorations.
"Some kind of trouble on the sensory screen. Camera curves over caved-in cop cars. Bleacher-creatures, would-be desperadoes clutch at plausible deniability."
1. Free Stuff
Let's start out with one of the most common ideas among Old Party candidates: "Vote for me, and I'll give you free stuff!" It's like a giant piñata of goodies, just waiting to be smashed open. Voters often seem to overlook that "free" actually means "paid for by someone else" — usually while standing in a line longer than the one at the DMV. So, when you hear promises of "free college tuition" or "free healthcare", remember that someone has to pay for that piñata! Spoiler alert: it's you, the taxpayer.
"Don't touch that dial, we're in denial until the showcase trial on TV."
2. Civic Duty as an Excuse for a Day Off
Let's be real: some voters just want an excuse to get out of work and grab a coffee. "It's my civic duty!" they exclaim while casually posting selfies from the polling station. It's a day of liberation, a chance to talk politics with your barista and to wear that "I Voted" sticker like it's a badge of honor. As Libertarians, we appreciate the spirit of civic engagement, but let's not pretend this isn't also a solid excuse for a mid-week latte break.
"Some kind of pictures on the sense o'clock news. Miles of yellow tape, silhouetted chalk lines, tough-talking hood boys in pro-team logo knock-offs conform to uniforms of some corporate entity."
3. The "Not-My-Problem" Mentality
Next up are the folks who vote as if they're ordering from a menu at a restaurant, blissfully unaware of the kitchen chaos that's happening behind the scenes. "I'll take universal healthcare and a side of reduced taxes, please!" Sure, Libertarians advocate for personal responsibility, but sometimes it feels like voters are on a never-ending quest to find a magical genie who'll grant their every wish without consequence, as if we can just pick and choose the policies we like without understanding that someone actually has to cook that meal (and clean up afterward).
"Don't change that station. It's a Gangsta Nation. Now crime's in syndication on TV."
4. The "Single-Issue" Voter
Then, there are the voters who are passionate about a single issue: climate change, healthcare, or the proper placement of the apostrophe in "let's." As Libertarians, we love a good cause just as much as the next political party, but sometimes it feels like people forget the political arena is a complex web of interconnected issues. The voters step into the voting booth like a knight on a noble quest, convinced their single vote will solve the single-issue problem of the universe. To me, that seems a lot like trying to fix your car problems by only changing the air freshener — smells nice, but good luck continuing to drive it.
"Some kind of drama live on satellite, hidden camera coverage from the crime scene to the courtroom. Nail-biting hood boys in borrowed ties and jackets clutching at the straws of respectability."
5. The Bandwagon Effect
Let's take a look at the hive mind that is "groupthink". You know the type: they're convinced that if their friends are voting for a specific candidate, it MUST be the right choice. These are the voters (and candidates) who treat elections like a high school popularity contest, complete with hashtags and memes. "Vote for me because I have the coolest supporters!" As Libertarians, we'd love to see a little more independent thinking because nothing screams "I'm an informed voter" like being swayed by a viral TikTok video.
"Can't do the time? Don't do the crime and wind up in the perp walk on TV."
6. Fear of the Other Guys
In my opinion, the last group is probably the worst of the lot. These are the folks who believe that voting is less about who they support and more about who they DON'T want in office. It's a classic case of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." This mindset leads to some truly bizarre alliances — think of it as political speed dating, where the only common ground is a mutual disdain for the other candidate's hairstyle. Libertarians often wonder if voters realize they're just playing a game of "political hot potato" with their votes, passing around the same problems without ever addressing the underlying issues.
Look, I'll be honest here: Libertarians might not always agree with the motivations behind the votes, but we can all share a chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Just remember, folks, when you step into that voting booth, you're not just picking a candidate; you're entering a buffet of ideas — and it's wise to check the ingredients first!